So nobody reads this anymore right? This was written on my other site but i don't really know if i want people to read it...

And regarding you. I deserve much better. I deserve somebody who is not scared or ashamed to be with me. I deserve to be told that i'm loved and that i'm beautiful. I deserve somebody who appreciates me and all i do for them. But i am hopeless and i can try with every breath of my body to stop liking you. But it won't go away. You lie to me, you ignore me, i sometimes feel like you keep me around just because it makes your ego feel good. But i can't help it... I like you more than you could possibly understand. No matter what, it lasts through everything. You are always the last person that i think of before bed, whenever my phone rings i get butterflys hopeing that it's you, my days don't feel complete unless i see you and i don't see that changing anytime soon....

I can't find the right words to finish this entry. I was wondering when the depression would come back. I knew my happiness was too good to be true.  

PS. If you read this, please don't freak out. Ask me about it and i'll answer any questions you may have. I just needed to write it down. Writing helps me become calm and rational. I feel much better now and tomorrow will be a good day....i hope 

So i wrote this today in first hour because i had nothing to do and if i didn't do something i was afraid that i might throw up because of all the emotions running through me.

PS. I'm writing this in this xanga because i don't really want anyone to read it. So if you, by chance, still read this xanga could you do me a favor and not read the rest of the entry, it's a little to personal and i'm not ready for you to know.

So my heart still feels broken. I didn't know you could get a broken heart if you weren't "with somebody" or "in love with someone." I have proved that it is possible. I just want to go home, put on pj's, and cry. I tried to look nice today. Looking nice always makes me feel better. It did help, a little, but the effect has worn off. I don't want to look nice anymore, i want to put on his sweatshirt and cry until i fall asleep, then wake up and repeat the procedure. I want to remember what it felt like to know that somebody liked me. It's a wonderful feeling when someone has a crush on you. I can't help but return the crush. But he has moved on and found a new crush, returned to an old one rather, and has, in doing so, crushed the crush that i had on him. And now my heart feels broken and he doesn't even know. All i want is to receive a giant hug and be told that i am loved and everything will be ok. But i won't get these things, nobody even knows that anything is wrong. They won't know that aything is wrong. I have become and excellent actress. The one person that knows that i'm upset i have closed my heart to. I won't let her inside, won't let her know what is causing the saddness hidden in my eyes, revealed when i think nobody is looking....

If you are reading this now, i'm very upset that you didn't follow my wishes to not read this entry. I don't want to talk about it so please don't try. I will get over it in my own way given time and a little space. I know that i have over thought the issue and exaggerated it beyond what is reasonable. This is just the issue that set me off this time, it has combined with all the other feelings floating around in my head and has become way to big for it's own good. Don't worry about me, i promise i'll get better, even if it's only for a month before something else starts me off.

I wish so so bad that I could talk to someone when I’m upset. But I never can. Most of the time, people don't know anything is wrong. They continue with their lives without a care while I am constantly close to tears. On the odd occasion that somebody asks me what is wrong. I cannot talk to them about it. I just shrug and say "nothing" or "I dunno" or more commonly, "I’m just tired." I can never confess that as soon as I think nobody is looking I break down and tears spill from my eye and follow the all to familiar course to my chin, before falling to soak into my shirt. Of course when I discover that someone has noticed my tears I breathe deep until they become just a slight shimmer in my eye. Then I try my best to laugh at jokes that are made to lighten the mood or I make my own joke to make everyone laugh and forget the discomfort that I caused. All I want is to be able to sit down with someone, tell them everything that is wrong and just have them rub my back or play with my hair until I’m done. That would be the most wonderful thing in the world. I have a feeling it won’t happen for a very long time, not because my friends aren’t there for me, but because I won’t let them be.

I’m truly getting tired of this constant state of depression that I’m in. It used to be like once a year I’d get sad and cry, but it’s gradually progressed to once a month I shut myself off from the world and cry. What really bothers me is that most of the time I have no reason for the tears. Something very silly that should bother me for like two minutes sets me off and I cry about it for two days. I hate it so much. I just want it to stop. I want to go back to when everything was good, when life was perfect and I loved every minute of it. I wonder if I will ever get those times back or if life will be like this to the end . . .

So, lets try to figure out why i feel the way i do right now. Here are my thoughts, try to make sense of them...

I feel very unloved. I know i shouldn't feel this way. I know i am loved by many. But i have low self-confidence, self-worth, i dunno what you call it but mine is very very low. If people aren't constantly telling me that i'm loved i begin to feel like they don't care. If nobody calls me to hang out, i assume it's because they don't want me there. I always feel like everyone is talking bad about me when i'm not around. I don't believe anyone when they tell me otherwise. I'm always in need of attention. I can never have to much. But if someone makes a joke about me, i cannot laugh about it like others can laugh when jokes are made about them. As soon as someone points out something wrong with me or anything, i close up. I pretend to laugh, but inside i feel destroyed, like someone has ripped apart my heart. I automatically feel that this means they don't like me anymore. I've done something wrong and don't deserve them. I'm flawed, i dunno, i just feel crushed. And the comment floats around in my head forever, comming up to haunt me and random moments. They all bombard me at once and i can't handle it and that's when i turn bitch and go home and cry myself to sleep. It happens over and over and i don't know how to stop it. God, it's so hard to think of words to discribe all these feelings. I don't know if any of this makes sense to any of you but I want people to know, i want them to understand me. Then, maybe they will understand why i get so moody.

I can't do this anymore. Time to pretend that i'm happy. I should get an award for this. I'm constantly hurting, close to tears, but nobody ever knows....

Currently Playing Ocean Avenue By Yellowcard see related

So this feeling is the worst think in the world. The feeling that nobody cares. If i died tonite nobody would notice. When we went back to school in two weeks and i wasn't there then they might think to call and see what's up. I wouldn't be here to answer the phone. Maybe then people would notice me. They would realize that i am a good person if you take the time and effort to push past my outer shell.

I feel very very alone, all the time. Even when i am sourrounded by people i am alone. Nobody knows me, i'm just a figure taking up space. Even the people that used to care don't anymore. Sure they are good at pretending they do when we are together, but even that is becoming hard for them because i don't think they really do. Everyone has replaced me. I'm not important anymore. I'm started to look forward to college because maybe then i'll find someone to care. I will miss everyone so much, i already miss them. But by the time college gets here everyone will already be out of my life and i won't have anyone to miss.

This is the second weekend in a row that nobody has called to see what i am up to. The second weekend in a row that i have spent everynight alone in front of the tv thinking about life and how it sucks.

The thing is though, it doesn't hurt near as much as it should. I have not called anybody, i have made no effort to go out. Lately i prefer to stay home. I prefer to not go out and surround myself with people who are not my friends.

I'm done, i can't think of the right words to express how i'm feeling. There are no words for it. This entry makes no sense. It's hard to make sense when tears are streaming. I wish i could explain how i feel better, but i cannot. Maybe after a few more days by myself i will be able to find the words.